


Like a Stone

by Sonsonsonja



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, Sirius Black's Flying Motorbike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-18 18:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13687413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonsonsonja/pseuds/Sonsonsonja
Summary: Cannon till the Prologue. 10 years after the war has ended Hermione visits the last place she remembers seeing a record player, searching for a bit of solace and escape from a life that seems to have lost it's direction. SB/HG





	1. Goodbye/Hello

**Author's Note:**

  * For [VairaSmythe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VairaSmythe/gifts).



> I originally got the idea for this story the day Chris Cornell died. I’ve been trying to get it right ever since. I originally wrote it in my notebook just for myself, more as therapy than anything else. It had been a long time since I’d written any fan fiction at all. I took it on holiday with me and my friend Vaira INSISTED first on reading it and then on me posting it. So really you have her to thank for this. She also did me the honour of helping me edit the final product, for which I am eternally grateful. This story will be 4 chapters, it’s dedicated to Vaira and “Like a Stone” is a song sung by Chris Cornell of Audioslave. Thanks for reading!

The sun was setting rapidly as she unlocked the heavy, aged door and carefully stepped inside one of her childhood memories.

Grimmauld Place had sat abandoned since soon after the final battle, having beenscourgified and cleaned before being put in a final stasis spell, locked and forgotten.

Looking around, it brought back a flood of memories. The weight in her chest seemed to settle heavier upon her. Breathing a sigh of the musty air, she pushed back her memories and made her way up the old staircase. She walked quietly out of habit, so as not to disturb a certain portrait which no longer hung in the entrance way.

Up the stairs it was almost completely dark. The grime on the outsides of the bedroom windows let very little of the fleeting light of sunset into the house. She pushed stray curls from her face as she made her way from feel and faded muscle memory through the house and finally, up into the attic. She conjured a small ball of blue light to find the object she had come for. A small smile played on Hermione’s lips when she found it sitting right where she remembered it, in the corner. If Walburga Black had ever known it was kept up here she would have had a fit.

With a quick wave of her wand she had several of the half melted candles lit around the room and she pulled a small bag out of her pocket. Quickly. she unshrunk the cardboard sleeves and chose a piece of vinyl without even looking at it. She smoothly set it on the record player and smiled when it cheerily lit up as she set the needle to the first track.

Humming quietly, she went to the window next and pulled the large pane completely open. A rush of night air filled the room and she felt her shoulders ease for the first time today.

She accioed a crystal tumbler from the kitchen and searched around until she found Sirius’ hidden stash of fire whiskey. She poured a shot into the glass and downed it before pouring two fingers and conjuring some ice. It clinked pleasantly against the glass as she placed it on the windowsill, exhaling as the slow burn of the whiskey made its way down her body.

A cool breeze shifted her hair and she closed her eyes, savoring the still calm of the empty house and the quiet evening. She could almost feel her heart rate decrease, but even in the stillness, it did nothing to do ease the deep rooted sadness buried in her chest.

She leaned against the frame of the window as her eyes pricked with tears.

_On a cobweb afternoon_

_in a room full of emptiness_

_by a freeway I confess_

_I was lost in the pages_

_of a book full of death_

_reading how we’ll die alone_

_and if we’re good we’ll lay to rest_

_anywhere we want to go_

Hermione breathed out a sigh and took a sip of her drink, placing it carefully on the table beside her. “He’s dead you know. They found his body this morning. Initial reports are saying that it was a suicide.” She spoke with her eyes closed, confessing the newest thing that had been weighing on her mind.

The sound of clinking ice against a glass broke the silence that had fallen on the room. Her eyes snapped open, narrowing in suspicion first at her glass on the sill and then to the source of the noise.

There he was, the silver of the rising moon catching in his long hair. He was reclined with his back to the windowsill with one leg resting on the top. A tumbler of fire whiskey in one hand. He looked at her then, his silver eyes caught hers in a way that made her breath catch.

“Who died?” he asked, his voice quiet.

She shook her head ,a grim smile gracing her features. Imagining him for a bit of company… _He’s gone Hermione._ But she was almost thankful to her inner psyche for the company.

Swallowing her rush of emotions she said “Chris Cornell.” and motioned with her glass to the record player.

He nodded and took another sip. Ice clinking. “Always the ones that seem to have their shit together. Too many years of hiding.”

_In your house I long to be_

_room by room, patiently_

_I wait for you there_

_like a stone_

_I wait for you there_

_alone_

“Not sure why I’m here really. I guess this is the last place I saw a record player and I knew you liked him too. The boys never got Muggle music.” She shrugged and sent him wry smile. “I’ve missed you Sirius” she confessed.

“How long has it been?” he asked his voice quiet. She almost wished he would speak up. Maybe then this would seem more real.

“Almost 10 years.”

He nodded, “So long, why come back now? Are you alright?”

Tearing her eyes from his still form, she picked up her glass and downed the remnants before picking up the dusty bottle and filling the glass again. “I’m not sure,” she confessed to her glass, “I’m having a conversation with a dead man whom I’m quite sure I’m imagining.”

She glanced at him where he sat. He was wearing a brown leather jacket and black jeans. He looked healthier than she remembered when he had been alive. His white button down shirt was open just enough to show off the tattoos on his chest. He saw her looking and raised his eyebrows.

“Unless you’re a ghost?” she added.

He barked a laugh, “Do you really think I’d choose to hang around this hell hole for eternity? I was locked up long enough love.” His eyes sparkled.

“Good. So we’ve established I’m crazy then.” Hermione countered shaking her head.

“We’ve established that you’re dodging the question.”

She sighed, “I’m ok, I just seem to be having problems… Moving on.” she said with a pointed glance to Sirius. “It’s been 10 years Sirius, I’ve tried multiple jobs, multiple houses, multiple men and I’ve never felt like I could stop. Like I was safe. So I just keep moving. Everyone else is ok. Harry is good, he’s settled down with Ginny. He’s got beautiful children and he’s been working as an auror.

Ron is off in Romania with Charlie. He’s really taken to the work.” She shrugged and glanced up, “And me? I feel safer in this house than I have felt in ages.”

_On my deathbed I will pray_

_to the gods and the angels_

_like a pagan to anyone_

_who will take me to heaven_

_to a place, I recall_

_I was there so long ago_

_the sky was bruised_

_the wine was bled_

_and you led me on_

Silence stretched, “It’s fucked up, I know.”

“Hermione what’s fucked up is seeing you like this. Of course it’s hard to adapt. You grew up in a war. I never felt the same about anything after Azkaban and then life on the run.”

“But if feels like nothing has changed.”

“You’re seeing things now so that’s different.” He quipped.

She laughed, “Just wonderful Sirius Black! I’m regressing.”

“But you get to see me, no bonus points for that?”

She snorted, “Most definitely.”

She took another sip of her drink and leaned her chair back, her head swimming with a small buzz. She made sure to keep one eye on her best friend’s long dead Godfather.

A large bronze lion head ring glinted off of the light of the moon as he took a sip of his own drink, eyeing her warily as well.

_In your house, I long to be_

_room by room, patiently_

_I wait for you there_

_like a stone_

_I wait for you there_

_alone_

“I miss nights like this, listening to music and just relaxing. There’s too much going on out there. Too many steps being taken. Steps that could impact the future enough to start another war- Everyone has settled, but I can’t believe in my heart that this is the end. I don’t know if I can just let it go.”

A cool night breeze lifted her hair and she closed her eyes, somewhere someone’s yard had a flowering jasmine bush and the smell did more than she wanted to admit to relax her shoulders.

“We never will.” His voice cut through the silence, sad and soft.

She nodded without opening her eyes. “I know.” She shifted as she heard his glass clink.

“So why can’t I just be happy with peace now?”

“Because you lived it Hermione.”

She opened her eyes to look at him then. He had been watching the moon rise, his face cloaked in silver light. He felt her gaze on him and scrutinized her with a wry smile.

“It’s going to take something larger than the war to make you move on from it. Harry had Ginny, Ron had… Well dragons apparently.”

“What about you?”

He barked a laugh and reclined against the windowsill, “Unfair question. I haven’t had peace since I was sixteen.” He sobered for a moment as he thought about it, the moon putting his face in stark contrast. He looked like a ghost then and she watched his chest move up and down in a sigh, “Probably Harry. To me Harry was bigger than anything else. Given the chance I would have died to show him a taste of being a kid, of what James and his family did for me. By the time I found him, it already felt too late.”

_And on I read_

_until the day was done_

_and I sat in regret_

_of all the things I’ve done_

_for all that I’ve blessed_

_and all that I’ve wronged_

_In dreams until my death_

_I will wander on_

“It wasn’t too late Sirius. He loved you. You reminded him that he had a family. Not just the Dursleys, but people who gave a genuine fuck about his well-being.”

“And just when there may be a chance at really being there for him, I fall through a bloody curtain.”

“It certainly wasn’t fair but...” She looked at him, studying his furrowed brow and sharp searching eyes. Her eyes slid down to the lion glinting on his middle finger.

“You think he needed it.” He concluded for her.

She pulled her gaze up from his ring, meeting his eyes, “In a way yes… It lit a fire in him that he really needed to push forward.”

Sirius nodded slowly, and took another drink, closing his eyes as he savored the burn of the whiskey. “At least my life wasn’t an entire waste then.” he whispered.

_In your house, I long to be_

_room by room, patiently_

_I’ll wait for you there_

_like a stone._

_I’ll wait for you there_

_alone_

She tipped her head back and drained her glass, placing it down gently before leaning back against the wall. Her head buzzing and her mouth getting just a little bit dry.

The buzz was pleasant, not disorientating. It was just enough that she forgot she was sitting with a memory that her imagination had conjured up for her to try and pull her out of her inexplicable misery. She felt calm, centered, and relaxed. Her eyes drooped as exhaustion hit her all at once.

She opened her eyes and smiled to see that he was still sitting there. She felt at ease with him there, like all the right pieces were put together and she could relax.

She smiled to herself, _that’s the alcohol talking_ she berated.

He saw her staring and smiled back, his eyes sparkling with good humour. He put his glass down and reclined on the windowsill.

“Don’t mind me love. I’m just enjoying the evening.” His gaze moved out the window, even through her drowsy state and his reassuring smile she caught the hint of sadness his voice was tinged with. Hermione noted it dully before succumbing to the pull of a light sleep.

 

She started awake, grasping at the strings of dreams she had been engaged in, and unsure of what had pulled her from them.

Almost immediately she remembered where she was, her wand hand twitched to where she had it tucked away into her jacket. Her eyes blinked open and swung to the windowsill where Sirius’ dark shape still sat.

He looked over at her and he sent her a reassuring smile, “Morning love” he stated, and she looked past him to the lightening mauve sky.

Cool fog hugged the garden below, but the chill coming from the window was cool and refreshing as opposed to cold. He was still here. She thought for sure that she had dreamed him in her inebriated state.

“Sirius” she breathed.

He nodded sending her a tight-lipped smile and turning towards the window just as the sun peeked over the horizon. It doused them both in golden light. In the light of day he looked almost translucent and she couldn’t help but stare as he slowly faded away into thin air.

She shook her head and stared at the spot he had been just seconds ago. She tried to process the scene she had just witnessed.

It must have been in her head, she reasoned. What other explanation could there be?

Uncomfortable with the weight of her conclusion, she wrapped her arms around herself and stood. She turned her back to the window and swiftly gathered her things. The house had turned eerie in the golden bath of sunrise and she left the estate swiftly with her head still reeling.


	2. Dappled Sunlight

 

The bike was hot between her thighs. She had been riding all afternoon, and the old black Triumph was running like a champ. Each kilometer took her further away from the simmering disappointment at the coffee date she had forced herself to endure. He had been another ‘secret fan’ curious about the woman who had helped bring down the dark lord. All he had wanted to talk about was the war, and all she had on her mind the entire time was the attic at Grimmauld Place.

She smiled in the helmet and pushed the bike faster, willing it to out-run the thoughts that had been plaguing her since that night

Even with the cool breeze whipping past her, her curiosity lingered. Lingered was the wrong word for it. Her curiosity was latched on to her brain like a leach. A leach that quickly sucked away any distractions she tried to create for herself in the meantime. Her mind would not stop speculating on what had happened at Grimmauld. Was she crazy? Did she really need some sort of psychological help? Is this what it had come to? Was this some kind of joke? Or even more unnerving, was it all real? Had she really been speaking with someone known to be long dead? Finally, she wove through the afternoon traffic and pushed into fifth gear, the bike shot forward and she reveled in the feeling of weightlessness.

The countryside was cooler. As she rode over the dappled patterns the trees formed on the road, under their leaf-green glow she forgot herself and let the bike dictate where she would end up. For a while it kept the leach away.

Predictably however, the leach reared up in retaliation, and the sun was just beginning to set when she pulled up to the sidewalk beside Grimmauld. Her subconscious apparently impatient with her stubbornness when it came to her previous experience. Sighing heavily, she stepped off the bike and walked up the drive, muttering the wandless incantation to open the wards as she did.

She walked up the stairs swiftly, and headed directly towards the attic. She slammed her helmet down beside the record player, her eyes not leaving the spot on the windowsill. The room was empty. Her heart fell, of course it was. It was all too good to be true. She had been feeling too happy over the past few days. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to push her disappointment down. It was better this way, she thought. A small lapse in sanity, something her psyche made up to make her feel better. She should be less worried now. How come all she felt was a renewed loss? She wasn’t sure what she was hoping to find, but it felt a lot more lonely without him here.

Breathing a heavy sigh of the musty stagnant air she slid the window open and poured herself a small drink.

“What are we listening to today?”

She jumped, letting out a distressed cry as she reeled around her wand out. There he was grinning at her reaction with tattoos flashing under a dark red button down shirt. At that moment all her questions melted from her...

“Merlin Sirius you scared me.”

He shrugged, chuckling quietly at her, “you’re back.” he noted gesturing in her direction.

She snorted, “you too.”

He nodded, “so I am.” He glanced around the room, adjusting himself to a comfortable seat on the sill as he did. His eyes went from the helmet on the table to Hermione shrugging off a dark brown leather jacket. His eyebrows shot up.

“You ride?” he questioned.

“Your bike” she answered.

He blinked, “M-my bike?” he stammered standing, “it still flies?”

She leaned against the wall across from him and took a sip of her drink, “It should, I keep both tires firmly on the ground, however.”

“Why in bloody hell would you do that? It took me ages to work that out!”

“Sirius, I hate flying, you remember that.”

“Huurmph, if you flew Shelia you wouldn’t hate it so much, I promise you.” He pouted back.

“I highly doubt it” Hermione stated shaking her head, her nose wrinkling at at his pet name for the bike.

“She still runs though?”

Hermione nodded smiling, “Started up no problem after years of storage.”

Sirius grinned again, his face looked 10 years younger “wicked.”

Hermione couldn’t help but grin back, “Ginny made me take it when Harry found it. For a girl who’s father worked in the Department for Muggle Artifacts she’s very wary about Muggle technology. Little did she know that I would actually make use of it.”

Sirius chuckled and Hermione smirked as she made her way over to the old record player in the corner. Her eyes scanned through the old milk crate of Muggle records. She felt his eyes on her back as she pushed long curls behind her ear. Smiling softly she selected one and placed it gently on the turn table. She set the needle and retreated to her spot on the chair beside the window, meeting his eyes briefly to send him a tight lipped smile.

She shut her eyes as the music started, encompassing guitar floated out of the speakers and embraced her like an old friend.

Sirius on the other hand snorted, “you don’t have to go choosing old music on account of me” he muttered.

Hermione cracked an eye and examined him from across the room, “I happen to enjoy the Travelling Wilburys” she stated crossing her arms.

He smirked at her and let out a happy sigh. “We used to listen to this one at school. Up in the dorms we’d use hair brushes as microphones. I used to joke that that was the only time we’d ever seen Prongs hold a hair brush.” his eyes had a far away look and Hermione smiled her first genuine smile in what felt like forever.

Sirius laughed, “James would always sing the George Harrison parts- ever the bleeding heart for Evans. Me and Moony would switch off on the Tom Petty and Bob Dylan and Pete-” his smile faltered, the sparkle in his eyes diminishing, “he would always take Orbison’s parts” he finished lamely. He ran a hand though his hair and Hermione offered him a small smile and he returned it tightly.

“Those were the happiest days I had.” Sirius sighed and reclined on the sill, looking thoughtful. “I hate to think how I would have ended up if I hadn’t gone to school.” He closed his eyes and Hermione took a deep breath.

“Harry Ron and I would sneak into the room of requirement sometimes, and I would require a clear warm night at my parent’s cottage in France. We would sit outside around a camp fire and listen to music. Harry used to bring pockets full of unpopped popcorn and when one of us wasn’t looking, usually Ron, he’d throw a few kernels in the fire and we would try to smack each other with them as they came popping out of the fire.” Hermione laughed, “It sounds stupid but it’s one of my favourite times.

Sirius grinned, “funny how what seems so insignificant can be so important later on.”

Hermione nodded “precious.” she agreed, and took a sip of whiskey.

Silence drew long between them as they both basked in old memories.

“So what brought you here today?” Sirius asked finally.

Hermione shrugged, “crap date, started to question my sanity and finally came here to settle things”

Sirius motioned at himself “Let me guess, still crazy?”

“Like a loon”

Sirius snorted, “what happened on this date?”

Hermione shrugged, “same as usual, they all know who I am. I’m Hermione Granger, genius of the Golden Trio. The expectations don’t add up to the tired jaded woman that they are forced to share a meal with. Even if they manage to make it through the first few dates, eventually they give up watching me struggle to be normal.” She shook her head, pushing escaped curls from her eyes.

“Guess it doesn’t help that you see dead Godfathers now.”

“Not really.” Hermione smiled despite herself, she looked up at him catching pensive gray eyes with her chocolate brown ones. He was wearing dark jeans and a red button up with a soft black leather jacket. His feet were bare and she watched his toes flex against the aged wooden floors.

“It’s nice to see you though Sirius.” she stated quietly. For the first time that day she realized she wasn’t feeling that tremendous pressure she usually felt in her chest, and she felt her shoulders ease. Something about being in the company of someone who had no expectations of her was very comforting, despite the fact that he was a figment of her imagination.

Breathing a weary sigh Hermione crossed the room and pulled a stamp sized packet out of the back pocket of her jeans. She set it carefully beside her bike helmet and wandlessly engorgioed it.

“Time for something new.” she stated lifting the needle. The Wilburys stopped and she placed the new record on the player with a smile. “These guys are new, and I have to admit, they’ve become a bit of an obsession.” she glanced at Sirius who was looking at her expectantly.

“I think you’ll like them.”

The music started hard and fast, sounding like Bruce Springstien with a dash of punk rock.

Sirius sat up, “what are they called?”

“The Gaslight Anthem” Hermione answered walking back to the window again. The night air was like a balm. They listened in silence as it washed over her for what seemed like ages. The music speaking to her in a way words never seemed to be able to.

“You’re going to tell me to stop coming here.” Hermione said breaking the silence as the record prompted that it was to be flipped over.

She glanced at him. He was examining the lion’s head ring on his finger. Feeling her eyes on him he glanced up, meeting them with his own. Finally he shrugged and ran his hands through his hair, standing and pacing on the cold wooden floors “I know I should. Just like you know you shouldn’t be here, and trust me when I say I would rather not be spending more time in this house.” He stated motioning disdainfully.

“But...” Hermione prompted watching him move back and forth.

Sirius stopped pacing, “but you seem like you need this...”

He grinned at her cocked eyebrow, “minus the thinking that you’re crazy part,” he amended, “and frankly I’ve been enjoying our nights together.”

“I-is death that lonely?” Hermione asked, her face falling.

Sirius shrugged, “I don’t really have much memory of it... but then, maybe I wouldn’t.” he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t know how to think about the possibility of being something your memory conjured up,” he wrinkled his forehead, “I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

“I’m sorry Sirius.”

He shrugged it off, “I don’t really think it’s intentional love, the girl I knew was far more logical to make up such a vivid memory multiple times just to make herself feel better.”

Hermione nodded, but wasn’t so sure, what if that had changed too?

He walked lightly across the room and into the swath of moonlight. He hadn’t changed a day since she had seen him when he was alive.

If she as honest with herself she had always found him attractive, even when he was on the run with that constant gleam of hunger lingering behind his eyes, but now, cleaned up, at ease and closer to her age, he was incredibly handsome.

He held himself with the poise of someone brought up in a wealthy family, but with none of the ego that came with it. He stretched languidly, his shirt lifting slightly as his tattooed arms reached above his head, showing off his lean muscular form.

He turned towards her and caught her staring. His eyes twinkled with good humour as he sent her a grin, “like what you see love?”

She snorted, taking a sip of whiskey and trying to play it off “Course. I made you up didn’t I?”

He barked a laugh, “I wonder if I can transform into my more attractive form?” his eyes suddenly going mischievous.

All of a sudden there was a great giant black dog prancing about the attic. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, his tail wagged like mad.

Hermione couldn’t keep her stoic calm and started laughing “Snuffles! It’s been a long time! She exclaimed, she went to give him a scratch behind the ears but stopped short. Padfoot did too with a sad whine.

He changed back in the blink of an eye and sent her a small shrug. “Sorry” he stated looking wistful.

Her eyes stung, “me too.” she glanced out the window. Dawn was a pink blush on the horizon, out of the corner of her eye she saw him follow her gaze.

“You probably shouldn’t come back” he whispered not meeting her gaze. She waited, her moss brown eyes hitting silver orbs filled with regret and… something she feared she held in her own eyes as well.

“Probably not” she agreed. She watched his slow blink, the only indication of his disappointment showed outwardly, although his head was nodding in agreement.

Her heart heart twinged painfully, “But I will be.”

He blinked, confusion clouding his face, then what could only be read as relief.

“I’m having too much fun.” she stated, gathering her things quickly. He was shaking his head in disagreement when she turned around but she held up a hand, grinning as dawn touched his form and he faded from view.

“I wish we had saved you” she whispered before pulling the needle off of the record player and apparating to the street.


	3. Try to be Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Harry makes an appearance.

“Hermione, what’s going on? You’ve been acting strange these past couple of days”

Hermione started, looking up from the newspaper. She had slept at Harry and Ginny’s the night before and had waited until the kids and Ginny had left the house for work and school before sneaking out of the bedroom for a quiet cup of tea in the kitchen nook.

“Harry, I thought you had left for work already.”

Harry shrugged sheepishly, “slow morning at the office, I might have ducked out for some” he held up his broom.

“Harry!”

Harry laughed and Hermione chuckled with him. He slid beside her and grabbed a bite of her toast. “You got in late last night, date went well?” he asked wiggling his eyebrows.

Hermione snorted, “it was dreadful. Honestly, I don’t know where these guys come from.” she let out a deep sigh and scourgified her dish, a small smile graced her features.

Harry watched her with a frown and she shook her head “I don’t know what to do anymore Harry. I can’t find anything I want to commit to here. I was happy last night, but I don’t know if that was... I- I think I’m going crazy.” She had relived last night about a million times in her head already and she couldn’t help the swell of happiness and adrenaline that flooded though her even now. It was torture knowing that it wasn’t real. Her fingers tapped on the table as she tried to wrap her head around the problem. She knew she shouldn’t allow herself to give in to the illusion but at the same time all she could think about was going back to that dark musty attic again tonight.

His frown turned worried but she shook her head, not willing to share the intimate details of her decent into madness. “Stay with us for a while ‘Mione”

“I can’t impose, you know that. You and Ginny have your own life here.”

“Don’t be stupid, stay for a week or so, get your bearings and maybe we can help you find what you want to do.”

“You want to keep an eye on me.” she accused.

“Yes...” he hedged shrugging a shoulder, “but it might do you some good to have a distraction from your lonely apartment.”

Hermione sighed, “maybe. Two of us thinking I’m crazy is too much...”

“I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re fed up, and honestly I don’t blame you.” Harry smiled tightly at her and she scrunched up her nose.

“Ok...” she admitted finally, “I’ll stay for a few days, but Ginny has to be alright with it.”

Harry laughed veraciously, “she loves having you here, the kids actually behave!” he stated. Hermione smirked. Harry shifted and examined his broom in his lap.

“Go!” she said pushing him out the door, “leave me to simmer in my insanity alone, go play your silly game.”

Harry’s chest puffed up“Quiddich-”

“-is anything but silly” Hermione finished for him smoothly sipping her tea.

Harry deflated slightly and headed towards the door, shaking his head at his pensive friend. She watched as his hand reached for the door, and stopped with his hand resting on the handle.

“Mione, if whatever it is you ended up doing last night made you happy and it’s not dangerous… You should keep doing it.” He stated turning and smiling at her.

“what’s the harm?” he added throwing the door open and flying from the house.

Hermione shook her head, a smile spreading across her face. Sometimes she forgot they were still only young. Maybe he was right. She hoped that he was right.

 

* * *

 

She took the stairs 2 at a time. Her thoughts hadn’t slipped much past the look in his eyes last night. She shook her head, this was getting our of hand. It was one think to work through one’s issues with an imaginary man but…

She shook her head, leaning against the stairwell for a second and chastising herself for worrying what he might think at her showing up so soon since the last visit. “How old are you Hermione?” she muttered to herself. Taking a deep breath she pushed the door to the attic open.

The first thing she noticed was that the record player in the corner was already playing. He was wearing jeans and a white tattered Led Zeppelin T-shirt. He turned around when he heard her enter, his bright grin contagious.

“You must have been thinking about me. I got the bloody record player going” he stated smoothly. His eyes met hers and the nerves she had felt at seeing him again melted away in his gray twinkling orbs. Before she could stop herself she found her eyes roving him, the dark gave her a false sense of security to do so. She took in his thin muscular frame. Long hair hung loose in dark waves, his tattoos in full view. There was a sense of ease in him that the war had never allowed. Her eyes were drawn to his lion’s head ring and she thought it fitting for him to continue to wear a symbol of the house that had been such a big part in saving and condemning him.

She felt the blush cover her face before she could suppress it. Turning, she waved her wand and lit the candles around them.

“Couldn’t get those though, or pour myself a drink” he smiled at her, motioning to the fire whiskey sitting on the table.

When he saw her face he sent her a wink, “lighten up love, if you’re going to convince yourself that you’re mad, you might as well be the good kind”

He turned and cranked up the record player. The old walls shook and she could feel the bass through her chest.

“Sirius what are you doing?”she yelled over the music.

“Making good memories!” he shouted back. She blinked. He was dancing? When he saw her looking he shimmied over to her.

“Don’t resist it Hermione, when was the last time that you had a spot of fun?”

She opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off. “-Embarrassed about dancing in front of your illusions?” he wheedled. He widened his eyes, cocked his head to the side and damned if he didn’t look like a little puppy dog. She suspected he had been practicing that one in the mirror for some time. It was horrifyingly effective.

Grinning as he saw her walls crumble, he motioned her further into the room. She shook her head at him before allowing herself to succumb to Led Zeppelin’s ear-melting melodies. She closed her eyes and danced with as much abandon as she had as a child, it felt like she was shaking off the shackles of the war for the first time since she couldn’t remember.

She danced until she was out of breath. Until she saw stars when she closed her eyes. Pushing open the window she stopped only to let the night air fall against her misted skin. With a sigh she swung her gaze over to Sirius and he was grinning at her. He laughed as she slumped to the floor, the song over. He slumped to the floor beside her. She was smiling. Her face hurt she had been smiling so hard. Her heart thudded inside her chest and it felt good. The night air ghosted across her again and she closed her eyes, smile still playing on her face, her shoulder slumped as she relaxed.

The needle skipped on the record and she glanced at him askance, “You did that on purpose” she accused. He rustled his hair out from where it had fallen in his eyes and breathed a deep sigh.

He smiled sweetly at her “Did what?” he asked innocently. He looked so handsome there, his face half in the shadow of the moon. She couldn’t be bothered to hide her grin.

“I think you know what.” she quipped. Her heart thudded and she snapped her gaze away quickly, making like she was going to recline against the wall.

There was something about his presence that put her heart at ease, and it was starting to scare her a bit, like her body wasn’t used to feeling calm anymore. This was starting to feel more and more like this was more than her just trying to cheer herself up.

She glanced at him, and he was examining her, his eyes soft. “I guess I do,” he reclined further against the wall, his arm flopping languidly over his knee, “but damned if I don’t wish it would last longer” he finished softly, his voice just a whisper.

“Sirius I-” She started,

he held his hand up, “I know love, it’s ok.” he stood and crossed the room and she watched his shoulders rise and fall in a deep sigh.

“I didn’t think I would ever remember what this feels like.” his voice hardly audible from across the room.

“Hermione just… Try and be happy alright? You don’t have to tell me how hard it is, but this is your time love.”

She was up and walking before it even registered in her brain. “This sounds like goodbye.” she stated bluntly. She reached for his shoulder and he turned. She pulled away, but not before he spotted the scar shining off of the moonlight. The same scar his mad cousin had carved into her skin, 10 years ago.

“What” he started, swallowing and meeting her eyes, “is that?” he asked pointing at her forearm.

“Nothing you need to worry about.” she stated pulling her sleeves down. He opened his mouth, his eyes blazing, but she cut him off. Something about him jumping to arms for her, pissing her off.

“You have your own battle wounds, and I don’t question you about all yours.” she snapped. She motioned towards the dark tattoo of the grim on his own forearm.

His eyes widened in surprise, “how did you know?”

She shrugged, “I had put it together a while ago.”

He breathed a sigh and looked out towards the garden, not meeting her eyes, “I escaped my father’s clutches in the last seconds. They only managed to touch the wand to my skin before I portkeyed out.” His eyes were far away.

“James thought it would be funny to cover it with my with the image of my true self.” he blinked again, his eyes sharpening as he turned to her.

“Your turn.” he managed.

Hermione took a deep breath, “we had been caught by grabbers. Belatrix was trying to get me to confess where Harry was hiding...”

“Crazy fucking bitch.” he hissed.

“She got hers”

“Out of experience that doesn’t make it much better.”

She said nothing, there wasn’t really anything to say. He was right.

She looked across the darkened landscape and took a deep breath. Then, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Starting, she turned to see him pulling his hand away. Her stomach tugged, the look of despair in his eyes was overwhelming.

“Did you just?”

She reached for his face, but felt only air. Her heart sunk and tears pricked in her eyes.

“I can’t do this. I can’t” she turned and left the house swiftly. It took everything in her not to turn around, but she pushed forward and yanked open the front door. The night air hit her like a slap in the face, and she was both relieved and disheartened that she didn’t hear his voice call after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left. Thanks for reading, it's much appreciated. :)


	4. It's Always Sunny Above the Clouds

She tried. She tried very hard to stay away from that house, but she was quite obviously miserable. She tried staying with Harry and Ginny but was chased away with their constant glances of pity and concern. She called up old work friends and went for drinks. She went for long rides on her motorcycle and collected potion ingredients. She even visited Hogwarts to help Neville clean out old green houses, thinking days filled with hard work and sweat would make her too tired to remember.

Nothing she did made her feel any less miserable. Even if she was having an alright day, friends would come up to her and ask if she was ok. Harry had been calling her daily, offering his spare bedroom again and again. Asking if she had eaten today. Where she was going to be. Wondering if she needed company. She was half convinced that he had a tracker spell to keep an eye on her whereabouts just in case

Disgusted with herself, she decided that it would be best to go one last time. She would have to face this head on. She hated having people worry after her. The sun was setting already when she apparated to the sidewalk in front of Grimmuald place. Her chest hurt, and her stomach was in knots but she summoned whatever was left of her Gryffindor courage and pushed open the front door.

The entryway was dark but sound was filtering down from somewhere upstairs. She walked as silently as possible towards the noise until she could make out the lyrics,

_I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life_

_I know you’ll be the one_

_in somebody else’s eyes_

_but why why why_

_can’t it be_

_me_

The door shut with an almost silent click behind her but the music abruptly stopped. Hermione jumped, and then cleared her throat. She nervously tugged at her sleeves, unconsciously covering the lion’s head bracelet that she had bought for herself after trying to say goodbye the first time.

When she got upstairs, the record player was off and there was a big black dog hiding in the darkest of corners.

“Sirius.” she took a deep breath, her heart breaking. “I know I said last time was it.” she stated walking to the middle of the room. The dog huffed a1 sigh.

“But,” Hermione started fidgeting nervously, “I couldn’t leave it like that” she hedged. The dog whined and backed further into the corner.

“I tried, but I just think that I need to leave it on some better memories. Maybe actually say goodbye?”

Relief flooded her as the dog sat up and turned back into a man. “On one condition” he stated crossing his arms, “no tears love.”

Hermione took a deep breath in and nodded. “Agreed.” She averted her eyes as he tried to meet hers and an awkward silence stretched between them. Hermione shifted uncomfortably before pulling out a shrunken record from her pocket.

“I brought a new one” she stated, removing the still warm Eddie Vedder record from the player and slipping Shakey Graves on there instead. Old meets new.

_Well_

_You and I both know_

_that the house is haunted_

_yeah you and I both know_

_that the ghost is me_

_used to walk around screaming_

_always slamming all these doors_

_Well I’m all grown up now, I don’t scare easy no more_

Sirius chuckled, “sounds like you’re as confused as I am.” His face darkened as he ran a hand though his hair, it flashed in the moonlight.

“I don’t want to do this” he admitted finally, his silver gaze breaking away from the window and meeting her eyes with so much sincerity that she was surprised that she didn’t take a step back.

“Visit one more night and humor a silly girl with decidedly silly feelings? Sirius I’m sorry I keep-”

“Saying goodbye?” he stated cutting her off.

Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the reality spoken out loud and her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to come up with a reply. She struggled between the words that were right and the words that were true. Indecision tugged painfully at her chest. He met her eyes then, finally, as if making a point as she stumbled to find the right words. The sincerity in his gray orbs made her eyes prickle. They spoke more to the grievous situation they found themselves in than she dared speak aloud. In his eyes she confirmed everything she had been feeling hadn’t been one sided.

Before she could reply he continued on, tearing his eyes from her, “I know this is not right. You don’t deserve this,” he started, swallowing nervously as he started a pace in front of the window, “hell, it’s not even possible. I’m gone… sort of...” he stopped his pace for a moment before continuing on, his brow wrinkling. He scratched at the grim on his forearm unconsciously. “I don’t even know if I should even be having these feelings, but I do” his words poured out in a frantic mess, though his voice was barely above a whisper.

“Hermione, I did too much hiding in my life to stand for it in… whatever this is” he motioned towards the room. He stopped his pace and sent her a pained look. Her breath caught, even if he hadn’t voiced it directly she caught his meaning. He looked incredibly out of his element. When he had been alive she had seen him at his worst, but he always seemed to hold on to this tiny level of self control. As a teenager looking to him, he had always seemed to be sure of his actions, even if everyone else was telling him he was wrong. Seeing him this unsure shook her.

“But we can’t do this” he finished loudly, abruptly pulling her from her thoughts. He was angry, that was obvious, but he also sounded so sure of himself then. She recognized the flames burning behind his sad eyes.

She raised her chin at him and met those flames with her own, indignation roiling through her, “You don’t deserve this either Sirius.” she asserted.

He came to a full stop, his back towards her, and finally turned and took two big steps to cross the room. He sent a searching gaze.

“Fate never gives a Black what he deserves. It just dangles impossible possibilities in front of us like a forbidden promise. Maybe this is what I deserve.” He stated bitterly. He took a deep breath, splaying both of his hands through his hair, looking tortured.

Her eyes flashed “Don’t you say that Sirius Black. Your life was stolen from you the same day it was stolen from Lily and James” she snapped. _Of course you deserve to be happy_.

Grief in a magnitude that radiated into her like waves, crashed over her through his gray-eyed gaze. His mouth opened and closed before his knees dropped to the floor. He slumped with his back against the window, keenly aware that he might as well be staring at a ticking clock.

From deep in his leather jacket he fished out a cigarette and a Zippo. He lit the fag and took a long drag. His exhale ghosted to just above his head and then disappeared in a depressing show of his ghostly prowess. He watched it disappear with a depressed sigh. His face was clouded in memory as he relived something from his past.

Hermione took a deep breath, the memory of the smell of smoke crossing her mind and fading dismally into the smell of the mildew-ridden house. She crossed the room and poured a drink. A double. The burn of the whiskey a welcome distraction from his morose pose. Silence stretched and she tried to rally against it, determined to end whatever this was on a note that wasn’t regret and sadness.

“I flew the bike today.” Her soft voice cutting the acute silence.

A small smile curved at Sirius’ lips, “It’s always sunny above the clouds.”

She nodded and poured herself a second shot of fire whiskey wordlessly. She drank before moving cautiously to the opposite wall “it was beautiful. Easier than I thought as well.” she commented remembering clammy hands and trembling knees while she stared at a spot on the wooden floor.

Sirius snorted, “you were terrified.” he stated.

Hermione smiled, “yes, but it was worth it.”

He chuckled and took another drag from his cigarette. “It always was for me too.” he said knowingly.

Neither of them knew what to say and they fell into a dismal lull. Hermione’s glass clinked as she brought it up from her lips and she watched as Sirius flicked ash onto the windowsill, her heart thudded painfully in her chest.

The horizon was brightening the darkness outside and there they were wasting seconds like they had eternity. Sirius examined her with a searching look, his pile of ash growing on the windowsill.

_Pile of ash…_

“I thought I said no tears love” he commented and she tore her eyes from the sill.

“Sometimes even Hermione Granger needs to break the rules.” she shot back getting up. She felt restless.

“It’s almost dawn Sirius. What do I do after that?”

Sirius watched her closely, his eyes blazing with mixed emotions, finally he breathed a heavy sigh and looked down.

“Go home, get a good sleep, drink a big cup of tea and visit Harry. Then book yourself a long vacation. Keep moving until you don’t feel a pull towards this place anymore. Go until you feel the pull to keep going and try to be happy. You have earned happy 10 times over. When you find it, hold onto it for your life. I know it’s not as easy for people like us as it is for some, but it will make this so much easier if you promise me.” He spoke quietly to his knees and then swiftly put the smoke out on the windowsill.

Hermione’s eyes misted but she nodded sadly, “I promise I will do my best.”

She took a deep breath, but stopped halfway though. Her eyes darted to the still smoking cigarette butt on the windowsill, as a familiar scent filled her. It was faint but it was there. It smelt like Sirius’ old cigarettes. She wrinkled her nose and closed her eyes. Yes it smelt faint but it was definitely there. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

_Hermione Granger, you are losing your bloody mind._

She opened her eyes and Sirius was giving her a questioning look. She waved it away her eyes snapping to the window again. He followed her gaze, his mouth taking a grim line.

They only had moments left and dread filled her. He stood and awkwardly placed his hands in his pockets, fidgeting side to side nervously, obviously wishing that he could do more.

“I guess this concludes your stint into madness.” he stated sheepishly.

“Sirius, thank you, you really helped me, I-” a tear escaped her eye and made a wet track down her cheek. Dawn was creeping towards them at a rapid pace. The garden was full of blush-coloured light. The dew on the overgrown rose bushes sparkled prettily with the encroachment of the sun.

She wiped her eyes swiftly “I broke the rules, sorry I-”

“Don’t-” He cut her off swiftly. He glanced behind him at the rising sun and after a moment of hesitation he took a deft step back. “Just keep your promise Hermione. Please” he begged.

Light broke past the window sill and flooded the room. Hermione closed her eyes, her heart sinking. She opened them in a fleeting second and met gray ones full of despair. Then… Nothing.

“Sirius?” she glanced down at the shadow he was making on the floor then back up to his face. His eyes were wide and he watched as he moved his hand up and down and the shadow followed. A grin lit his whole face and he took that hand and held it against her cheek as they both stepped forward in sync, closing the gap between them. His hand was warm and she gasped as his arms engulfed her, protective and safe. He lifted her in the air and she found his lips in a bruising kiss. Her whole body felt electric.

He pulled back slightly, and ran a gentle hand through her hair, “fuck...” he whispered, his gray eyes soft in the warm light of dawn. He looked warm and alive and whole. She melted under his gaze, her heart thudding. “I love you.” he stated and she pulled him into a tight hug. He smelt like leather, exhaust and cloves. “How did this?” his voice trailed off as his lips found the soft skin behind her ear. She shivered and kissed him again, not wanting the moment to end.

“Is this real?” she asked. His arms tightened.

“I don’t know”

“Please stay”

“I hope so.”

She groaned, “I thought I made you up”

She felt him grin into her hair “I’m glad you were wrong love.” Warmth spread from the back of her neck all the way to her toes, and he chuckled quietly, before reaching down and grabbing her hips. The warmth of his hands blossomed through her body, a stark reminder of his solid presence.

“I’m glad for this,” he motioned to his hands on her hips, he rested his forehead against hers, his eyes blazing “and this,” he stated languidly. She cupped his face with trembling hands and kissed him soundly. His lips were velvet and his voice reverberated inside her and she shivered as he groaned “Godric...”

“Please stay.” she pleaded again.

“Any way I can” he promised running a hand through her soft tresses. A contented sigh left her unchecked and he chuckled deeply.

“It feels wrong that this should feel so right.” He confessed, and she laughed along with him, watching him pull a hand through his hair in a motion she had become so familiar with over the past weeks.

She couldn’t seem to shake the smile on her face, “I think this is you getting your life back...” she murmured, reaching up and taking his hand.

“You too Mione.” he stated earnestly, meeting her eyes. A blush spread across her features, and he smiled at that, looking cocky. “As long as this isn’t just some convoluted dream...” he amended.

Hermione reached for her wand, “lets find out then” she stated knowingly. She didn’t even have to think of a happy memory to produce her patronus. “Harry you need to meet me at Grimmauld” she stated and sent it off into the light of dawn.

Sirius watched it go, his eyes bright.

Hermione on the other hand began to pace, the wheels in her brain beginning to turn. “I don’t understand how this happened. You died. You’ve been gone 10 years-” she started. “As far as I’m aware nothing like this has ever happened before”

She glanced at him and he shrugged, “Not that I know of either” his voice quiet.

Both of them jumped at the sound of a closing door, reeling to the source of the noise. “Hermione Jean Granger, brightest witch of her age, one third of the so-called Golden Trio and it takes this idiot to figure it out.” Harry stepped into the light, his arms crossed and a smug grin on his face.

“Love Hermione. You brought him back with love” His grin widened and he walked over to the couple.

“I missed you” he stated and he and Sirius embraced laughing.

“Harry you did it! I knew you could defeat Voldemort. I could not be prouder of you pup! James and Lily too.”

“You haven’t aged a day!”

“So Hermione tells me.”

Harry turned to Hermione, he was positively glowing, “so this is what was going on. This is what you were trying to run from” He froze when he saw the look on her face.

“I thought I was imaging him,” she whispered. A thought struck her and her eyes narrowed,

“You got here rather fast” she stated crossing her arms.

Harry had the decency to look sheepish. “I was worried about you. You had been acting strange.” he crossed his arms back, mirroring her pose. Sirius was laughing silently at him and Harry rounded on him. “I can see why now.” Harry stated no longer able to maintain a straight face.

“This is… Altogether mad” Harry added his green eyes sparkling brightly.

Hermione nodded her agreement before a thought struck her, “Harry what do we tell everyone?”

Harry frowned, “Exactly what happened.”

“What about- oh Merlin, what about Teddy?”

“Hermione what do you mean?”

“What if I could have brought-”

“Don’t dare say it ‘Mione! It’s not like you did this purposefully. You have been miserable since the day we killed Voldemort. You deserve to be happy!” Harry stated seriously.

Hermione opened her mouth to argue but he cut her off “Our house at 6 for supper.” he finished seriously, “and you better show up. Both of you” shooting Sirius a last grin. Harry waved and winked before he apparated out of the house with a pop.

Sirius was laughing at the exchange his eyes wrinkling in good humour, “He’s more like James then he’ll ever know.” His hands snaked down to grasp her hips and he pulled her forward until they were cloaked in golden light, “Hermione,” he whispered, “let’s get out of this bloody, flea-ridden, musty shit hole.”

Hermione laughed, “Bike ride?” she asked sheepishly.

His lips pressed gently to her forehead.

“Thought you would never ask, love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone very much for reading. I'm very grateful for your feedback and kudos <3 This is the final chapter but throw this on your watch list. I've been contemplating a quick fluffy/sexy epilogue for this one. If you're interested in any of the lyrics I've posted please review or send me a PM and I can set you up with some information.


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